


You as You Were

by tokino



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Prostitution, Unrequited Love, but it ended up being more about Erwin, this was supposed to be my take on Levi's backstory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-08
Updated: 2013-10-20
Packaged: 2017-12-22 19:45:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/917328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokino/pseuds/tokino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A chronicle of how Erwin Smith met and fell in love with the street rat who would one day become humanity's strongest soldier. More accurately, a contrast of who Erwin Smith was and what he became.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Erwin wasn’t one to drink, but when he graduated at the top of their class, Mike and Nile insisted on celebrating their way. After they enlisted in their chosen branches they dragged him off to some bar they liked to frequent.

“You’re so old-fashioned,” Nile said in that half-teasing, half-condescending tone Erwin knew not to take personally anymore. “I mean, you didn’t just make it in the top ten—you’re fucking _number one_ and you didn’t join the military police? Tell me why.”

“You know why,” Erwin said. “I want to make a difference. That's hard to do when you're miles away from the thick of things." He hadn't meant it as a jab, but Nile's good humor seemed to dim. 

“Lay off, Nile,” Mike said, throwing an arm around him and giving him a fierce noogie. “Neither one of us joined the military police and you did. There’s no changing that now.

“Aah, whatever!” Nile pushed Mike away, laughing. “But, Erwin, you should cut loose at least once before you get yourself killed.”

“Only if you’re paying.” 

Erwin let himself be ribbed by his friends as they led him through town. He didn’t come into Wall Sina that often, but Nile, who’d grown up in Hermiha, was more than happy to show the way to his and Mike’s favorite bar. The buildings here were extravagant, the clothes people wore even more so. The green cloaks around his and Mike’s shoulders drew so many stares that Erwin began to feel a bit paranoid.

“Are we almost there?” he asked after they walked for what felt like an hour. Mike and Nile were a bit farther up ahead, talking more to each other than to him. Mike glanced back over his shoulder and smirked. Erwin would have to take that as a yes.

They ended up down a dark, narrow alley full of so many bars that Erwin was impressed Nile could find the one he wanted. Or maybe he liked them all and just chose one at random for tonight. Erwin didn’t really want to know.

He spent most of the evening sitting across the table from Mike and Nile, nursing the same humongous glass of beer. He sipped at it every now and then, being far more interested in watching his friends get more and more drunk. Mike turned out to be a rowdy drunk, whereas Nile grew sulky and more sensitive to Mike’s teasing.

“Yeeeeah, you are old-fashioned,” Mike slurred at some point, throwing himself down into the chair next to Erwin and sloshing his beer all over them in the process. “Live a little!”

“I’ve had enough. Someone has to make sure the two of you get home.”

“But we’re _celebrabra_ . . . cerebral . . . you gonna drink that?”

\- - -

Around midnight Erwin rounded them up and herded them outside, resolving to find some better companionship the next time he went drinking; Mike told him sheepishly than neither he nor Nile had brought enough money.

Mike was still somewhat able to get around. He bid Erwin goodnight and dragged Nile off, hopefully to Nile's home and not another bar. Erwin turned and went back down the alley the way they’d entered. The alleyway was cramped and noisy. People kept bumping into him, a few of them giving him cold stares when they saw his scouting legion cloak. Erwin supposed he came across as somewhat intimidating, despite being sixteen years old—he was rather tall and broad, and his friends were always poking fun at how he had the face of a man ten years his senior.

He wasn’t ashamed of the cloak or the crest it bore, but as he continued to walk he felt that it was perhaps unsafe. Glancing into a side street and seeing that it was empty, he stepped out of the crowd and took the cloak off, startled when his hand connected with something heavy and solid and not cloak-like at all. He looked down and saw a boy keeled down at his feet, one hand pressed to his forehead, the other clutching Erwin’s coin purse.

The boy looked up, a beady eye fixating on Erwin with a dull fury that Erwin found inappropriate, considering the circumstances. He was just a kid, though, and Erwin felt bad for not realizing he was there. And for hitting him in the face.

“Are you okay?” he asked, bending down to see if there was any swelling.

“Do I fucking _look_ okay, you big titan-sized shit?” the boy replied. He slapped Erwin’s hand away and got to his feet. When he pulled his hand away from his face Erwin could see there was a bruise forming above his right eyebrow. “Who the fuck takes off their cloak like that?”

“I guess I don’t know my own strength. And I didn’t see you there—oops.” Maybe he was sensitive about his height.

“It’s not my fault you’re a fucking fourth wall or something and you can’t even be bothered to watch where you’re going,” the boy said without batting an eye, not looking the least bit ashamed or apologetic about being caught trying to steal.

Erwin looked him over. The boy just reached his elbow and his raggedy clothes were filthy. He smelled so bad that Erwin was surprised he hadn’t realized he was there by scent alone. He was also scrawny, in a painfully thin kind of way.

“I’m feeling kind of hungry. Do you want to go get something to eat?”

The boy looked alarmed at the suggestion.

“You’re right, I guess nothing’s open this late. My house is kind of a ways off, but I’m a pretty decent cook, if I do say so myself.”

“If this is your way of getting me to give you your money back, it worked.” The boy held out Erwin’s coin purse, letting it drop to the ground when Erwin didn’t take it. He stepped back. "There you go."

“No, I’m serious,” Erwin said, stooping to get his money. “I’ll let you use my tub.”

“You sayin’ I smell bad?” the boy said, raising an arm up and taking an unabashed whiff. He blinked, poker faced. “Okay, fine, sure.”

\- - -

Erwin had begun renting a room at a flat in one of the villages below Hermiha shortly before he and the others graduated. It was outfitted with a bedroom, a sitting room, a kitchen, and a bathroom, though overall it was small and, to be generous, “cozy.”

The boy kept up a constant stream of criticism as Erwin led the way up the stairs to his flat. It had been too far a walk, Erwin was walking too slow, Erwin had better not try to do anything weird to him, he was getting smellier by the minute, hurry up.

“Are you trying to make me regret being nice to you?” Erwin asked, holding the door open for him.

“I didn’t ask for your charity.” The boy looked around the sitting room. Erwin winced when he wandered too close to the furniture.

“Go get bathed while I cook,” he suggested. “I’ll get you a spare set of clothes.”

“Do you invite every stranger you meet in an alleyway into your bath tub?” the boy said, going over to the bathroom and stripping out of his rags at the door. “That’s kind of gross. I’m only twelve.”

Erwin waited until he shut the door to pick up his clothes and toss them out the kitchen window. Figuring that the odds of the boy ransacking his belongings while naked were slim, Erwin went across the hall to his neighbor, Mrs. Bauer, and asked if she still had any of her son’s clothes from when he was a child. She gave him an odd look but didn’t pry. She returned to the door a few minutes later, giving him the clothes with the dry comment that she thought they would be a bit snug on him.

Erwin left the clothes outside the bathroom door and went to the kitchen. Last night he’d prepared ingredients for pea soup, anticipating that Nile and Mike would be too busy drinking to get something to eat. By the time the boy eventually emerged, letting out a huge cloud of steam in his wake, the soup was almost done.

“By the way, I never told you my name,” Erwin said. “It’s Erwin. Erwin Smith.”

“Mm.” The boy came up beside him, a chair in tow. He stood on it and began to rummage through Erwin’s cabinets, scowling when he found them empty.

“What’s yours?”

“Don’t have one. Everyone calls me what they want to. This week’s flavor is ‘you little asshole.’” He pushed back his damp, matted hair from his face and caught sight of Erwin’s expression. “Don’t give me that look like you feel sorry for me. I hate that.”

Erwin half-expected the boy to scarf down the soup once it was ready, but he took his time and was quick to wipe up any that he spilled. He seemed annoyed that Erwin was watching him.

“I hate it when stuff gets dirty,” he explained irritably. “Don’t say it—‘but you were crawling in fleas just a minute ago.’ If I could bathe every day, I would.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“So,” the boy said after his third bowl of soup, “what about you?”

“What _about_ me?”

“Big man in a fancy cloak. You don’t seem like the type who usually hangs around those bars. Most people know better than to leave their money in their pockets.”

“I was only there because my friends wanted me to go. We were celebrating our graduation.”

“You joined the scouting legion.”

“Yeah.”

“Your balls must be huge,” the boy remarked, ignoring Erwin as he proceeded to choke on his soup. “Most of the shitheads I know went into the garrison or the fucking _military police_.” The way his lip curled told Erwin exactly what he thought of the military police. “I guess you were some low-ranked flunkee then.”

“I was top of the class.”

The boy stared him right in the eye and, deciding Erwin wasn’t lying, said, “Huh.”

He didn’t seem too interested when Erwin offered to let him sleep over on the couch. Erwin was too tired to press the issue. He was too tired to even clean up after dinner. He went to bed and promptly fell asleep.

When he woke up the next morning, he found all of the dishes washed and put away. Except for that, there wasn’t any sign that the boy had been there at all. Erwin got dressed in a hurry, his worry about being late for his first day in the scouting legion driving all thought of the boy from his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My headcanon is that the drinking age is around 15.


	2. Chapter 2

Five years after Erwin and Mike enlisted in the scouting legion, they had yet to set foot outside of Wall Rose, much less Wall Maria. A guy at a bar they went to every now and then misinterpreted Erwin’s occasional musings about why this was so, thinking that Erwin wanted to charge out on horseback, cut up some titans, and become a hero. In other words, he thought Erwin was eager to get himself eaten.

Invariably he would say, “You think just three years of training was enough to prepare you for what’s out there?” before gesturing to what remained of his right arm. Like most living former members of the scouting legion, he never elaborated on the exact circumstances of his disfigurement. He would sit a few seats away from Mike and Erwin, sometimes butting into their conversations if he thought they were being too impatient to rush off to their deaths.

“Give it a rest, old man,” Mike said good-naturedly after their latest scolding. “It’s just that when we signed up for the scouting legion, we thought we’d be doing some actual _scouting_.”

The man went back to his beer, muttering darkly.

“Y’know, Erwin, it’s been ages since we saw Nile. We should visit him sometime,” Mike said after a few minutes of silence. “Drinking with just you isn’t quite as fun. No offense.”

Erwin couldn’t argue there. “I’m afraid what I might be like if I ever got drunk.”

“Well, there’s only one way to find out!”

“I’ll pass.”

It was an almost bland routine. Erwin felt like he was suffocating. It was a widely accepted belief that humanity would always be trapped within its walls and that nothing could be done about it. The scouting legion was looked down on for wasting tax money, but at least they were trying. Or so Erwin used to think. Five years had come and gone and things hadn’t changed a bit.

About a week later, after a long day of making empty plans for yet another expedition that probably wouldn’t be undertaken, Mike suggested again that they go see Nile. It had been ages since they’d last had any sort of contact with him. The first year they’d kept in touch with him through letters, but over time Nile’s responses came more and more infrequently until they stopped coming altogether. He resided in Hermiha, where he’d taken them to celebrate when they graduated. It was a rather inconvenient distance from the town Mike and Erwin were stationed in, but it couldn’t be helped. They sneaked away a few days later, setting out a few hours before noon.

They reached the district sometime after dusk, leaving their horses and, at Erwin’s suggestion, their cloaks at a stable. Erwin didn’t have the faintest idea where they would find Nile or if he would even be off duty right now. Mike was more optimistic. He approached any members of the military police they came across, asking around for Nile until they learned that he should be around the river.

“We’ve had a bunch of thefts around there lately,” the officer said, looking disgusted. “Probably some of those damn street urchins who’re too lazy to get a job . . .”

They did indeed find Nile at the river, sitting around and playing cards with a few other officers at a makeshift table outside a small warehouse. Another member of the police noticed them first, elbowing the guy next to him and saying something. They both laughed before turning to Nile, who looked over at Erwin and Nile. He set his cards down and came over, an odd look on his face.

“Do you two need something?” he asked.

“We thought we’d drop by and say hello,” Mike said, either ignoring Nile's guarded tone or not noticing it at all. “Maybe go out for a drink. It’s been years since we’ve hung out.”

Nile glanced back to where the other guys at the table were watching them before looking up at Mike in exasperation. “I don’t know about you, but _I_ have an actual job to do.”

“You’re playing cards,” Erwin said quietly. It earned him a glower.

“We’re waiting until it gets dark, when most of the burglaries occur. So sorry if I don’t have time to waste going out with a couple of scouting legion layabouts.” He turned and went back to the table, ignoring them.

“So much for that,” Mike said with a shrug as they walked away, though Erwin could see that he was pretty upset. “Well . . . what now?”

“Let’s find an inn for the night,” Erwin said. “I don’t feel like riding all the back when we’ve just gotten here.”

“Good point.” They left the river and Nile behind them and meandered through the town. Unless you had enough money to browse the shops, there wasn’t a whole lot to do in a town like this except drink, so they wound up back down the labyrinthine alleys of bars and pubs. Mike flirted with a girl at the bar they went to and invited her to sit with them. She was pleasant enough, but after about half an hour their conversation ground to a halt and Erwin was stuck watching them make eyes at each other.

“I’ll meet up with you later,” Erwin said over the sound of their kissing. He got up and left.

It was pitch black outside. Erwin wondered why there weren’t any lamps out as he tried not to bump into anyone, remembering too late that he had some spare matches in his pocket. He supposed he would go to some shops and try to find something he could make for dinner. He was barely out of the dark alley and back into the center of town when something small and fast dashed by, knocking him out of the way. 

Erwin didn’t even have time to reorient himself before he was accosted by an angry, bald, red-faced man. He pointed down the alley and began shouting in Erwin’s face.

“Well? Go get the little bastard! You’re military police, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m—”

“The bastard stole my money clip!”

Erwin took off, more to get away from the man than to heed his orders. He found himself back in the sea of people, though a few were more than willing to shout at Erwin for him to reclaim their possessions as well. He was ushered along by the trail of angry shouts of “Thief!” until he caught sight of a small figure in a hood turning a distant corner. He ran, turning the corner only to find a dead end. As far as he could tell, no one was there.

There was no way he could face that mob empty-handed and make it out in one piece, so he slowed to a walk and glanced around. It was so dark that he had difficulty discerning what was there. He almost tripped over a pile of garbage and had to step over it, eventually coming to the brick wall at the end of the alley. He was about to brace himself for the trip back when he remembered the matches. He struck one against the wall and turned, catching the briefest glimpse of a pale, gaunt face and neck before something struck him in the kidney, then the stomach. He was down in an instant. 

A foot stamped on the match as well as his hand. He grabbed for it, catching nothing but air. A bony knee smashed into his face. He grabbed again, taking hold of the ends of a cloak and lunging forward, sure that he would be able to pin his assailant down. He wound up on the ground instead, the back of his skull smacking against the cobblestones hard enough to make him see stars. It took him a moment to register that there was a knife at his throat.

“Fucking military police _pig_ ,” his attacker spat roughly as he went through Erwin’s pockets, taking out the matches and his pocket knife and the other odds and ends Erwin kept on his person. There came a displeased _tch_ sound, no doubt because Erwin had nothing valuable.

“Wrong,” Erwin said, his head spinning. “I’m Erwin Smith. I’m from the scouting legion.”

There was a long silence.

“Well, _fuck_.” 

Now was probably the best chance Erwin would have, but he was so dazed that he couldn’t do anything to stop his attacker as he began to stand up. He felt around weakly until he found one of the other matches, lighting it and seeing his attacker’s face again, this time more closely. He looked surprised that Erwin was still able to move, his thin eyebrows arched high over haughty black eyes, his face framed by a wild tangle of black hair. His cloak was too big, the hood dipping halfway down his short chest, allowing Erwin to see his collarbones, where there was a tattoo of a daffodil.

“Oh,” Erwin said, squinting up at the guy. There was something familiar about his pinched, sallow face. “You’re—”

His attacker made sure to step on him as he took off again, his footsteps echoing down the alleyway. Erwin’s hand dropped back down, the match rolling away and going out, leaving him swallowed in darkness. He managed to get to his feet and hobble away after a few minutes of rest. He hurt like hell everywhere.

He bumped into someone, a young woman who was more concerned about the whereabouts of her bracelet than the fact that Erwin’s nose was bleeding. She did help him into the nearest pub and stand with her arms crossed while he cleaned himself up.

“So you don’t have any idea where he ran off to?”

“I can’t see anything in these alleys,” Erwin muttered, blotting the blood with a handkerchief. Maybe that was why it was so easy to be robbed around here.

The woman looked at her bare wrist in despair. “You must have gotten some kind of look at him, if he was close enough to do that to you.”

“Well . . .” Erwin didn’t want to say that he knew the guy, considering they’d only met once years ago, so he said, “I did see his face. And he had a tattoo of a daffodil.”

“That explains everything, then.”

“How?” Erwin balled the handkerchief up and stuck it in his pocket.

“There’s a brothel not far from here called the Narcissus. I bet you’ll find him there.”

Erwin shook his head. “I’m not from around here. And I’m not even part of the military police. I’m from the scouting legion.” He indicated the emblem on his jacket.

“Well, now’s your chance to make yourself useful,” she said bluntly, looking unfazed at his expression. “It’s not like the actual military police will do anything about it anyway.

She told him her name was Gisela before giving him directions to the Narcissus, adding explicit instructions to “wring the little fucker’s neck.”

He stumbled his way in the dark for maybe an hour. Gisela’s directions took him away from the thick of the evening crowd and sent him down empty, twisting streets that gave him chills. He eventually found another cluster of bars, these ones illuminated by red lanterns. The Narcissus was a squat, two-story bar tucked away near the back. It was dim and warm inside, and hazy from some kind of scented smoke. Erwin stood in the doorway for a moment, squinting. There was an open sitting area with a few chairs and tables, where a few couples of workers and their clients were sitting. They were all men.

“Aren’t _you_ something.”

Erwin jumped. The man he hadn’t noticed standing beside him chuckled. He looked to be in his late thirties, a touch of gray at his temples, but he was dressed in a provocative, unabashed way that made him seem younger. He beckoned for Erwin to step inside and shut the door behind him, making conversation as he did so. “I’ve never seen you around here before, and I see a lot of military police.”

“I’m not—” Erwin let it go, sighing. “I’m looking for someone.”

“Already picked someone out?” The man winked at him. “Tell me who it is and I’ll go get him for you.”

“Um.” Erwin thought back hard to five years ago, to the boy he’d caught trying to steal his money. Either he couldn’t remember his name or he hadn’t given it to him at all. “He’s about this tall.” He indicated, holding his hand up just below his ribcage. “With black hair. He doesn’t smile.”

The man gave him a questioning look. “You don’t mean Levi, do you?”

“I . . . suppose so.”

“He’s out at the moment,” the man said, displeased. “I don’t know where he’s been running off to lately . . . oh.” A look of comprehension dawned on his face. “What has he been up to? Be honest.”

“He’s robbed at least half a dozen people, to my knowledge.”

The man pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. “Some things never change. He’s going to keep pushing his luck until he gets thrown in prison. Well, if you want to try waiting for him . . .” He gestured toward one of the chairs. “Though I should tell you, he doesn’t come back some nights. If you change your mind, let me know.” With that, he went over to a doorway, disappearing behind its curtain of beads. 

Erwin sat there for so many hours that he lost count of how many other men came and went over the course of the evening, a few of them in uniform like him. It began to storm at some point in the night, the rain pouring down and beating in a feverish yet soothing way on the roof. The incense made him feel drowsy. He dozed off for a bit and awoke with a start, finding himself alone in the sitting room.

This was pointless. He and Mike would leave tomorrow and, since Nile made it clear he wanted nothing to do with them anymore, wouldn’t come back anytime soon. He was trying to convince himself to get up and leave when the door banged open and in came a short, sopping wet mess of rags.

“It’s . . . Levi, right?” Erwin said, rising halfway out of his chair. Levi ignored him, kicking the door shut and peeling off his cloak. He tossed it to the side and headed for the staircase on the wall opposite the door. “Levi—”

“If you want any of that shit back, too bad. I already sold it,” Levi said, making his way up the stairs. Erwin followed him, being careful not to slip. “What the hell are you following me for? I said I already sold it.”

Erwin paused. “We've met before. I remembered you . . .”

“That so?” Levi’s voice drifted from the second floor landing. “Then you're the first.”

“You do remember me, don’t you?” Erwin said as he reached the second floor himself. Levi was unlocking the fourth door down the hall. “I caught you trying to steal from me, what was it, five years ago?”

Levi tried shutting the door and scowled when he saw Erwin had already slipped inside the room. He began to finish undressing, pulling off his wet shirt to reveal a short, pale torso riddled with scars and bruises. Erwin glanced away to give him some privacy. Levi sat down beside Erwin and nudging him out of the way with his foot, continuing to do so until Erwin was off the bed completely and was sitting cross-legged on the floor.

For a while it was quiet, save for the dull roar of the rain. Erwin fished around for something to talk about. “If you’re working here, why are you stealing things?”

Levi gave a short, mirthless laugh. “Every night I get clients whining about my rates until I take less than half of what I should just so they’ll leave me alone. And then I have to rent this room. I don’t make shit.”

Erwin didn’t know what to say to that. It sounded a lot like being in the scouting legion, but he felt it would be rude to draw comparisons between their situations when they were totally different. It fell silent again. Erwin knew he should leave, go make sure Mike had found his room with no trouble, but it was somewhat relaxing being here. Levi seemed to buzz with a restless, moody energy. It was a nice change from the oddly complacent way his comrades went about their hollow duties, boasting about how ready they were to bring titans down when it was clear they were relieved to not be sent outside the walls.

“Are you always here?” Erwin asked eventually. He was reluctant to admit it, but it was getting late. He had to go find Mike.

“No.”

“Where else can I find you?”

“Why should I tell you?”

Erwin turned to look at him. Levi was sprawled on his back, hands folded across his stomach. He looked exhausted, dark bags under his eyes and deep wrinkles forming on his brow, though he couldn't be any older than sixteen or seventeen. 

“I want to see you again.”

Levi’s eyes opened, black and fathomless. “I doubt being in the scouting legion pays enough.” He cocked his head in a way that was both arrogant and lewd, the tip of his tattoo peeking out from the collar of his shirt. “I knew you were a perv.”

Erwin felt himself flush. “That’s not why I want to see you.”

“Well, don’t bother trying to stop me. What’s it matter if someone loses a clip for his fat wad of money when some of us don’t have any to begin with?”

Erwin didn't know what to say to that either. “If someone catches you—”

“Someone already did.” Levi sat up, leaning forward until he and Erwin were right in each other’s faces. Droplets of water dripped from the ends of his still damp hair and trickled down his face and throat. He was so close that Erwin could almost feel their lips brush as he said, “And I should warn you.”

He reached for Erwin’s shoulder, pulling him forward so he could whisper in Erwin’s ear, “I don’t come quietly.”

He pushed Erwin away and leaned back. If Erwin didn’t know better he could have sworn there was the faintest smirk touching the corners of Levi’s lips.

“I should . . . go,” Erwin said, trying to get to his feet without much success. He was feeling light-headed again. “I . . . my friend Mike is probably wondering where I am.”

“Not so fast. You were in here for, what, half an hour?”

“I suppose.”

“Eight hundred, then.” Levi stuck his hand out. In a normal situation it would only be fair to pay Levi for entering his room and taking up his time, but considering Levi had run off with people’s jewelry earlier . . . Erwin couldn’t help but be impressed by his audacity. He kicked off a boot and took out his meager pay.

“No wonder I didn’t find anything,” Levi observed.

“Someone once told me not to leave my money in my pockets,” Erwin said, giving him the eight hundred and pulling his boot back on.

“Someone's about to kick you where the sun doesn’t shine if you don’t let me get some rest.”

The rain had somewhat calmed down when Erwin stepped outside. He followed the red lanterns out into the darkness, wondering what would be the best way to avoid the crowd of people waiting on him. He glanced back over his shoulder as he walked, giving the Narcissus a final look before rounding a corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erwin, ya done goofed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all.
> 
> _Invariably he would say, “You think just three years of training was enough to prepare you for what’s out there?” before gesturing to what remained of his right arm._
> 
> I fuckin' called it.

After he left the Narcissus Erwin managed to track Mike down and take him to an inn. They woke up late the next morning, Mike with a spectacular hangover and Erwin with a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t quite identify. Perhaps it was the bruising.

“So,” Mike said from the basin of water on the window sill, “what happened to you last night?” He tapped his jaw. “Looks like someone busted you good. You get into a fight?”

“I got mugged.”

“ _You_?” Mike chuckled. “I would’ve liked to see that.”

“Thanks for your concern.” Erwin wasn’t as bothered by his injuries as he should be, but they did hurt. He moved gingerly, not wanting to aggravate the pain in his chest or his nose. He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised that Levi was able to outmaneuver him, but his almost freakish strength was unexpected.

“Think we should report it? To Nile, I mean,” Mike said before dunking his face in the water.

“I doubt he’d appreciate that. It’s fine.”

Mike dried his face while Erwin dressed, wincing. “Well, I don’t really want to stick around here. Are you ready to head back?”

“I guess.”

The unending stagnancy of life in the scouting legion resumed. Their clash with Nile wasn’t that unexpected, considering the military police tended to look down on the scouting legion. He tried not to let it bother him, but a week after their short trip to Hermiha he stormed out of his office for no particular reason, going to the front steps. Mike sought him out, almost as if he could smell the frustration on him, and offered him a cigarette and a sympathetic ear.

“I don’t know,” Erwin said, taking the cigarette. He had little interest in smoking, but crushing the end of the cigarette between his thumb and index finger helped relieve some of his tension. Mike didn’t offer him another one. “I thought we’d be doing something, _any_ thing to learn more about the titans. I didn’t train my ass off just so I could sit around and theorize.”

“We’re supposed to be going on an expedition soon,” Mike said after taking a drag.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that before.” Erwin scuffed the steps with the heel of his boot. “We were supposed to take some last year, too.”

For the next two or three months there were more whispers about an upcoming expedition, but Erwin had learned not to believe them, not even when they were gathered in a room to go over plans. The officer at the chalkboard explained that their goal was to capture a titan alive so it could be studied, a proposal that sent whispers of excitement and confusion through the room. They’d all been taught how to kill a titan, but capture one?

“We want to procure at least two four meter class titans, since they’ll be easier to contain than ones from a larger class. Any other titans that we come across are not to be engaged.”

The atmosphere grew more than a little disgruntled at that, but one sharp look from the officer kept the grumbles to a minimum. He went on to draw out the formation they would use when traveling through titan-infested land. Erwin looked at it as the officer explained it. Something nagged at him as he looked it over for a second and then third time.

“Excuse me, sir,” he said, raising his hand. When he was given permission to speak he pointed out the flaws in the diagram and suggested how to fix it. The officer made the adjustments and stared at it for a moment, looking surprised when he saw how the formation was slightly improved.

The officer told him to stay behind after everyone else was dismissed. “Erwin Smith?”

“Yes, sir.”

“How long have you been in the scouting legion, son?”

“Five years, sir.”

“You mean to tell me you could have told me how to fix that goddamn formation five years ago?”

“Yes, sir . . .” Erwin wasn’t sure if he was being complimented or chided. The officer slapped him on the back and told him to never stop being a smart ass, which made Erwin even less sure.

“Erwin Smith, huh . . . top of your graduating class?” Erwin nodded. “I’m looking forward to seeing you in the field.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Big guys like you usually get grabbed first,” the officer said, guffawing, before dismissing him. Erwin left, reassured in small part by the fact that at least Mike was more likely to get eaten before him.

\- - -

A couple of weeks before they were set to depart on the expedition, the members of the scouting legion trickled in from their various outposts throughout the three walls and converged in the headquarters. It was cramped and rowdy and by the time the departure date finally arrived everyone was out for blood.

Erwin felt himself buzzing with adrenaline as they rode in a tight formation through the streets of Shinganshina, the southernmost district jutting from Wall Maria. He’d never been this far south before. Here the buildings and its inhabitants were plain and simple, and the stares the legion’s cloaks drew were more from wonder and excitement than condescension and disdain.

Watching the gate slowly be opened was an unreal experience. Members of the garrison scurried around on top of the wall, under orders to keep the immediate area near the gate free from any titans that wandered too close.

Once outside the large formation split into two smaller groups, each one with the orders to hunt down one four meter class titan. Erwin and Mike strayed from their assigned positions a bit so they could ride side by side. There wasn’t a titan in sight, and for the first ten minutes of the expedition Erwin’s spirits were light as a feather. He felt better than he had in years. He gave a whoop and urged his horse faster, leaving Mike in the dust.

“Hey!” Mike called, chasing after him. Their antics earned them a harsh scolding, at which point they composed themselves. The area they were riding through was sparsely vegetated apart from grass and flowers. The only things that would make it difficult to see a titan coming were the hills. Erwin felt himself grow less focused on their mission as time passed; he was more interested in looking around, fascinated by what the world outside the walls was like.

Something from the corner of his eye caught his attention. He turned his head and squinted. There, to the west, was a squat titan. Erwin estimated it to be a seven meter class—too large to capture. He spurred his horse and relayed the information to the member of the legion riding ahead of him and Mike, who in turn would relay it to the head of their group. Erwin watched the titan as their formation hurried away from it. It pursued them for a few miles, but it moved too slowly to catch up.

They encountered two more titans a few minutes later, one of them much larger than the seven meter class one, the other a four meter class. Erwin and Mike were near the back of the formation and didn’t even realize more titans had appeared until they crested a hill and saw the front part of the formation scatter below them, attempting to run from the titans.

“Oh, shit,” a guy to Erwin’s left said, pulling his horse up short, turning it around, and going back over the hill. Erwin wasn’t sure what to do. The formation was in complete chaos and though they were under orders to capture a four meter class titan but not to engage titans as large as the second one, running away was impossible. He charged forward when the large titan grabbed hold of another member and plucked him from his horse. There weren’t any trees for him to use his grapple hooks on, so he aimed them for the titan itself.

When he left his horse, the blissful feeling of weightlessness returned. It made him oblivious to the otherwise gut-wrenching feeling of flying through the air toward a giant creature whose only purpose in life was to eat humans like him. Cutting out the nape of its neck was a fast, messy affair that left him almost no time to release his hooks. The momentum carried him, then he began to fall. His first instinct was to panic, but he forced himself to stay calm and repeated the process, grappling the four meter class titan before going for its neck as well. He severed its head above the weak spot and let his hooks go when he swung close to the ground

“You reek,” Mike said after dismounting his horse and running to where Erwin tumbled into the grass, dazed. His shaking hands were still clenched around the handles of his blades, one of which had been snapped in half. Another member of the legion went to collect the one who’d almost been eaten. Erwin got to his feet and whistled for his horse as the formation slowly reassembled. Senior officers gathered around the 4 meter class titan and set about it securing it in a cart. Three officers would sit in the cart and periodically decapitate it before its head could fully grow back. Its limbs would be pinned to the cart.

“You haven’t lost your touch,” Mike mused aloud as they rode back. “You were never physically fast, but you were always a fast thinker. I was too busy trying not to wet myself and you were already in the air.”

“You’re stronger,” Erwin replied. “I’m sure before too long you’ll have a dozen more solo kills than me.”

Mike laughed. “Is that a challenge, Erwin? You’re on.”

Erwin couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed as they headed back for Wall Maria, sending up a green flare to indicate to the other half of the legion that they’d completed their half of the mission. He told himself that capturing a titan was of value and that studying it would help them learn more about the titans in general, but it seemed so small a victory that it was insignificant. There had to be something more they could do.

There was talk of a celebration among their ranks as they rode, but when a responding flare from the other half of the formation never came, they fanned out and headed west, the mood growing grim when they came across the first horse with no rider. The front of the formation went over another hill and a shout came for them to turn back. Erwin got a glimpse of what lay beyond the hill before he was urged to look away. There were three titans among a sea of panicked horses and disembodied limbs. One of the titans held a woman who was still very much alive. She gave a scream for help that was ignored and abruptly silenced.

“We’ll have to make do with one,” was all that was said about the loss. Back at headquarters that night there was a celebration of sorts, though it was muted and a bit shell-shocked. Erwin sat on the veranda and looked out at the darkening lawn, joined shortly by Mike.

“That was . . .” Mike took a swig of his drink when he wasn’t able to say anything else.

“Inevitable,” Erwin finished. Mike glanced at him. “We knew what could happen to us when we chose to join the scouting legion.”

“Most people didn’t have a choice,” Mike said. “The garrison only accepts a limited amount of people too, remember?” He shrugged. “But I guess that’s just how things are.”

“They don’t have to be.” Erwin closed his eyes and felt the wind stir his hair. He could still vividly remember the way it felt to swing through the air, blades in hand. It had been so much better than sitting around making maps and plans for five years. It had been radical and heart-pounding.

He couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More headcanon: before Wall Maria fell and there wasn't a pressing need for people to join the scouting legion, trainees who didn't make it into the military police all flocked to the garrison, meaning that eventually the garrison also had to set a limit on trainees per year, so not everyone in the scouting legion chose to be there.


End file.
